my thoughts/experience regarding conflict in marriage

It seems like every time I post I am talking about sin. I suppose that is frustrating, because it feels like I am beating a dead horse. But at the same time, I am satisfied in that, since my life is centered on recognition and repentance of sin. Isn't that the mark of a Christian?

In my aim to defeat the intellectual laziness that has so characterized my life for some time now, I have found myself much less hesitant to hold back during a conversation/discussion/debate. I think a little background history is necessary to best get to where I'm headed with this post...

You see, as a product of divorce, I was somehow socialized to believe that a difference of opinion, anything from a small disagreement to a full-blown game of yelling, was bad. THIS is what led to my parents' divorce. For them, conflict shook the foundations of their marriage. Every battle only seemed to illuminate the rocky foundation in which their marriage formed, and thus, conflict was avoided in hopes of masking the true nature of their relationship. (FYI--this is only my interpretation. To this day, I have still not received a straight-forward reason for their divorce). A healthy understanding of conflict never hit my radar until I met other families (such as my in laws) who are still together and work through conflict on a regular basis.

All that to say, it has always been my natural tendency to "shut down" when a conversation/discussion/debate reaches that point of conflict in which things get personal and offenses are had. Part of me has justified this passivity with wanting to be humble in some sense (I guess?) for backing out of a potentially destructive war of words. I suppose I have also wanted to keep guard of my tongue, and not get to the point of justifying statements that I don't mean with the emotions of the moment. But, in my attempts to do this, I have surrendered my privilege to engage others on a deep and meaningful level.

I have chosen passivity for two reasons: I am lazy and a lover of comfort (sin), and I have assumed that aggression is the opposite (result of my parents' sin). Part of me has not dared to continue in conversations when the going gets tough because I do not want to offend others, but more so, because I am afraid of a relationship crumbling at the sight of conflict.

And what do you know...earlier in the week, Matt and I got to talking about some interesting things...and I decided to not shut off, but engage him in this productive and thoughtful dialogue. Somewhere in the mix, I got super defensive, and at the end of the night, I desperately fought off the temptations to think that our marriage was on the rocks. Ah!

I am still trying to figure all of this out. But I know that God is teaching me in this time. I know that there is a place for healthy conflict in marriage. I am so not there yet.

And, after that messiness, all I could do was confess to Matt. He was so gracious to forgive me and grant me patience in dealing with all this.

I cannot forget that our marriage is founded on Christ, the God of the universe, everlasting and unchanging. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. And if our marriage is dependent on this love, what can tear us apart?