It seems like every time I post I am talking about sin. I suppose that is frustrating, because it feels like I am beating a dead horse. But at the same time, I am satisfied in that, since my life is centered on recognition and repentance of sin. Isn't that the mark of a Christian?
In my aim to defeat the intellectual laziness that has so characterized my life for some time now, I have found myself much less hesitant to hold back during a conversation/discussion/debate. I think a little background history is necessary to best get to where I'm headed with this post...
You see, as a product of divorce, I was somehow socialized to believe that a difference of opinion, anything from a small disagreement to a full-blown game of yelling, was bad. THIS is what led to my parents' divorce. For them, conflict shook the foundations of their marriage. Every battle only seemed to illuminate the rocky foundation in which their marriage formed, and thus, conflict was avoided in hopes of masking the true nature of their relationship. (FYI--this is only my interpretation. To this day, I have still not received a straight-forward reason for their divorce). A healthy understanding of conflict never hit my radar until I met other families (such as my in laws) who are still together and work through conflict on a regular basis.
All that to say, it has always been my natural tendency to "shut down" when a conversation/discussion/debate reaches that point of conflict in which things get personal and offenses are had. Part of me has justified this passivity with wanting to be humble in some sense (I guess?) for backing out of a potentially destructive war of words. I suppose I have also wanted to keep guard of my tongue, and not get to the point of justifying statements that I don't mean with the emotions of the moment. But, in my attempts to do this, I have surrendered my privilege to engage others on a deep and meaningful level.
I have chosen passivity for two reasons: I am lazy and a lover of comfort (sin), and I have assumed that aggression is the opposite (result of my parents' sin). Part of me has not dared to continue in conversations when the going gets tough because I do not want to offend others, but more so, because I am afraid of a relationship crumbling at the sight of conflict.
And what do you know...earlier in the week, Matt and I got to talking about some interesting things...and I decided to not shut off, but engage him in this productive and thoughtful dialogue. Somewhere in the mix, I got super defensive, and at the end of the night, I desperately fought off the temptations to think that our marriage was on the rocks. Ah!
I am still trying to figure all of this out. But I know that God is teaching me in this time. I know that there is a place for healthy conflict in marriage. I am so not there yet.
And, after that messiness, all I could do was confess to Matt. He was so gracious to forgive me and grant me patience in dealing with all this.
I cannot forget that our marriage is founded on Christ, the God of the universe, everlasting and unchanging. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. And if our marriage is dependent on this love, what can tear us apart?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
err...here I go again.
It's all because of marriage (aka rapid, constant, intense increase of sanctification) that I am revisiting my blog and attempting to post again.
Grrr. If it were up to me, I would never post again. Taking the easy way out is my preference. But no, that's not how things work in my marriage. My gracious husband has challenged me to face my sin head on, so as to encourage me towards becoming all that God has designed me to be. (Pout face).
Here it goes. As explained in my last post, blogging had become an endeavor masked with a spiritually mature appearance but rooted in the sin of seeking the praises of men. One more inch deeper and the heart of that sin is pride. The same pride that has characterized my entire life, just emerging in new form. It appeared as though I were blogging for good reasons (and I don't deny that there was some purity in those), but much more prevalent in my heart was the desire to use my writing skills to portray myself as someone mature, someone whom others admire and prize.
Once that can of worms burst open and I acknowledged this sin, I halted blogging. I sought to avoid the the arena in which my sin danced as a harlot so as to separate myself from those patterns of sin. And for this period of time away from le cose sopra, I have learned an immense amount about this sin in my life.
In ceasing to blog, another sin (what do ya know?) came to light, which is my tendency to lazy myself intellectually when I am uncomfortable. I profess that reading too many "dense" (aka important, life-changing, theological, scriptural, HELPFUL) drains me and I can only handle a limited amount of such content. I am quick to zone out when my husband expresses the deeply theological or spiritual matters that he is learning in school. And, I am slow to speak about things that can easily rub people the wrong way (i.e. controversial topics) becuase I have always thought that those were personal and people get offended easily (and apparently that isnt the case most of the time--but I suppose that depends on the audience). Essentially, I have dumbed myself down in some sense because it is easy. It is comfortable. And oh do I love comfort.
So, I reencoutner this blog in a different place. I want to challenge myself to express a gift of thinking and writing that God may have given me, but I remain in my desires to blog with pure motives. Blogging to the glory of God and not to the pleasure of men. Expressing things that are really going through my mind (and hopefully there will be more content there as I am also challenging myself to die to intellectual laziness, as God commands us to "...love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."-Mark 12:30).
We'll see where this thing ends up. I think I can honestly say I am excited for the journey.
Grrr. If it were up to me, I would never post again. Taking the easy way out is my preference. But no, that's not how things work in my marriage. My gracious husband has challenged me to face my sin head on, so as to encourage me towards becoming all that God has designed me to be. (Pout face).
Here it goes. As explained in my last post, blogging had become an endeavor masked with a spiritually mature appearance but rooted in the sin of seeking the praises of men. One more inch deeper and the heart of that sin is pride. The same pride that has characterized my entire life, just emerging in new form. It appeared as though I were blogging for good reasons (and I don't deny that there was some purity in those), but much more prevalent in my heart was the desire to use my writing skills to portray myself as someone mature, someone whom others admire and prize.
Once that can of worms burst open and I acknowledged this sin, I halted blogging. I sought to avoid the the arena in which my sin danced as a harlot so as to separate myself from those patterns of sin. And for this period of time away from le cose sopra, I have learned an immense amount about this sin in my life.
In ceasing to blog, another sin (what do ya know?) came to light, which is my tendency to lazy myself intellectually when I am uncomfortable. I profess that reading too many "dense" (aka important, life-changing, theological, scriptural, HELPFUL) drains me and I can only handle a limited amount of such content. I am quick to zone out when my husband expresses the deeply theological or spiritual matters that he is learning in school. And, I am slow to speak about things that can easily rub people the wrong way (i.e. controversial topics) becuase I have always thought that those were personal and people get offended easily (and apparently that isnt the case most of the time--but I suppose that depends on the audience). Essentially, I have dumbed myself down in some sense because it is easy. It is comfortable. And oh do I love comfort.
So, I reencoutner this blog in a different place. I want to challenge myself to express a gift of thinking and writing that God may have given me, but I remain in my desires to blog with pure motives. Blogging to the glory of God and not to the pleasure of men. Expressing things that are really going through my mind (and hopefully there will be more content there as I am also challenging myself to die to intellectual laziness, as God commands us to "...love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."-Mark 12:30).
We'll see where this thing ends up. I think I can honestly say I am excited for the journey.
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